


希望 (Hope)

by bunbuncchi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Dubious Canon, Loneliness, M/M, SH stuff, Yuno crying a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22216132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunbuncchi/pseuds/bunbuncchi
Summary: He stopped dead in his tracks, hands trailing down further away.—Why are you doing this? —he asked, eyes looking down. —I don’t understand...
Comments: 1





	希望 (Hope)

**Author's Note:**

> Lil one shot of pure angst because why not-  
> Also, only Yuno belongs to me.

_He stopped dead in his tracks, hands trailing down further away.  
_ _—_ _Why are you doing this?_ _—he asked, eyes looking down. —I don’t understand.  
.  
._

* * *

It had been long after the last sleepover he had hosted, unbeknownst to him changing or at least shaping a new part of his life he’d never have dreamt of. Not even in his wildest dreams.  
He never thought he’d be that kind of person, but… What did it even mean to be that kind of person? Was it bad? Was it right? He didn’t know. …dear god, did he even want to know?

Not long after that night one of his classmates had moved in with him. Ashe Van Doren, though he only called him by his name. _Had that shaped him too into…this?_ He couldn’t help but wonder.  
But of course, trying to be on his best behavior, he had let the younger male join him, he didn’t even ask. There had to be a reason after all, and Yuno didn’t exactly mind.

Maybe just a little, due to privacy. But in the end his friend mattered more in his mind and heart, so he welcomed him with open arms.

_Maybe that had been a mistake too._

Not much happened at first, only the newfound warmth of having someone else say ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’, things he definitely missed but didn’t even know he did. Someone to talk to instead of being bored and having to walk around alone in the school’s grounds. Of course he still had his friends, but having Ashe in his room, despite being a hopeless _otaku_ had proved to be a good decision.  
Or so he thought at the beginning.

Sooner rather than later, their relationship had morphed into this _weird_ , closer-than-ever-before thing he couldn’t really describe. Well, no. That was a lie. He could describe it really easy.

— _Fuck…buddies,_ huh..? What an embarrassing name… —He had told Ashe when presented with the apparently formal name this sort of relationship had. Two people who were friends.. and also fucked.  
 _What a blunt name_ , he immediately thought, but kept it to himself.

Some days passed, then some weeks. That relationship didn’t change though. He found himself slipping into Ashe’s bed without questioning, clothes discarded into the floor. The eyes of his penguin slippers right into the violet irises. _They knew, didn’t they?_ However, he only turned his head from them, letting his nightly partner bring him closer.  
He would grab his thighs, pull him and _fuck him_ until both were left panting, sweaty and tired.

Night after night, even if they got mad that only seemed to fuel both of them. It was _rough, animalistic_. Something he never saw himself being capable of. The sound of his moans probably, _most likely_ , going through the thin walls. If someone heard though, he had no idea. As much as he tried to muffle them with his hand or his pillow there wasn’t a lot he could do to prevent the noise from escaping.

They only had one rule they both established from night one. _Absolutely no kissing._  
But despite that being the one and only rule they put, Yuno couldn’t help but feel they had imposed some more. Not establishing them just following them. Unspoken rules.  
 _No kissing, no caressing, no personal or emotional topics, nothing ‘soft’._  
Or at least that’s how it felt for him.  
They tried spanking, cuffs and rope-play; Ashe being both dominant and submissive in some of them.  
His smaller, soft hands touching him aggressively, his nails almost turning into claws when he scratched his back, his teeth sinking into his shoulder.  
He would be lying if he said it didn´t _feel_ good. That showed in his cries of pleasure and his begging for more.

Had it only been that, he wouldn’t have an issue.

But his mind and his body seemed to work in different ways; hence why he basically turned off his thoughts whenever the moon rose and their skins were touching against each other’s again.  
Only the pleasure they both gained was enough to indicate him… _This was okay._

—A-Aah.. Ashe, I’m… —with a sweet, high pitch he spoke, his eyes deep into the younger one’s. His back against the mattress, legs spread open for him, taking him whole.  
His eyes were watery, shining in the deep dark of the night. —I’m close… —he said with a shaky, breathy voice.  
Ashe could probably _feel_ those words, his insides tightened, pulsing and completely soaked.

—Please…

.

.

That wasn’t the first nor last time Ashe would see him that way. Yuno had found comfort into a new position they tried. All-fours or, crudely said, _doggy style._  
There had been a little issue when in other positions. Now, Yuno didn´t know exactly what was the problem, but he always had a bit of uneasiness when displayed liked that. Maybe the fact that he seemed so shameless in front of the other male. Maybe because he felt dirty. Maybe it was that _feeling._  
Maybe it was all of that. Or not.

_Maybe it was something that was missing._

If he didn’t look at him, if he only showed him what he wanted, maybe that hollowness he felt would fade. And instead, they’d both gain what they wanted.

Pleasure.  
Hot, wet carnal pleasure.

And god did it feel _good._

With each of his thrusts he found himself more and more immersed in the _feeling_ , rather than the feelings he so hard tried to rip away.  
He went in so deep, his whole body was shaking, whimpers escaping from in between his lips. It felt so good, for one second he wondered how would it be, how would it feel if…

Ah, he came.  
What was that thought once again?  
Huh… he couldn’t remember.

In the bliss of his orgasm he had forgotten.

— _Thank you…_ —he whispered, as he always did after a session between them had ended. He didn’t exactly know why. The words just slipped every time.

Without caring to long into the why of his own question, he only left, sheets wrapping his body until he reached the bathroom they now shared.  
He locked it, a faint click sound letting him sigh and let the white sheets fall.

The water hit his back as he sat on the bathtub, drop after drop while he stared at the wall in front of him. Bottles of shampoo, lotions and soaps all became blurry. It was at that moment when he could feel the loneliness from before coming back, even if just for a few minutes.  
No one could see him, his body, heart and soul exposed to no one but the water falling down his frame.

It was then when he finally remembered.

The question that always disappeared whenever he would let himself loose, the feeling he denied so badly.  
Whenever he showered, a dim light surrounding him, he knew he hadn’t forgotten.

How would it feel… if it was _whole?_

Images of his classmates flashed before his eyes.  
A younger, orange haired boy holding hands with a taller, white-haired one.  
Two younger guys softly kissing after eating the pocky he lent them  
His black-haired classmate, hugging a smaller, white-haired one.

They all did something like this, right? Not only them, not only the couples from his last school either. Everyone. Everyone was _whole_.  
No stupid rules that ended up with him silently crying in the bathroom, or doubting whether he was doing the right thing.  
After all, what kind of person was he? Someone who didn’t care about anyone else but himself? He didn’t want to care after anyone, that was why the idea of no strings attached seemed perfect, right? He was selfish, right?  
He never thought he’d become someone like that.

But even if he admitted it to himself, the fact that he was lying to himself, what good would it bring?  
That would only worsen things as he would be forced to realize… _He_ was probably the problem.

Shaking his head, he ended his shower and dried himself off. He wanted to think it was just water and no tears.

—Oh… you were still awake? —immediately he adverted his gaze, not wanting Ashe to notice the water _from the shower of course_ , that still remained in his eyes. —Bath’s empty… if you wanna shower.

He then went onto his drawer, looking for his comfy oversized pajamas, but was stopped by Ashe before he could even reach it.  
  


_I can see you’re not okay, you know you can tell me anything, right?_

With those words he froze, unable to make even the faintest of sounds until he just… let him go shower.

He was restless, turning from side to side without a blink of sleep being near him. It wasn’t the constant water hitting the bathtub that kept him awake, he wasn’t even aware of that anymore, he just… couldn’t stop thinking.  
What had that been about? Perhaps he had misread it all. Or was just overthinking but..  
He could swear he seemed different.

But his past words…! It didn’t make sense at all.

It took less time than what he’d imagined until Ashe was back, towel wrapped around his waist.

He wasn’t thinking, pure emotions surging through him when he rose from bed, looking at him directly.  
His feet walked by themselves, his hands reaching out to his arm.

—Ashe… —finally his voice came back, both of his hands grasping onto his wrist. —Do you… —without even realizing it, he had made the younger one lay down on his bed, Yuno hopping onto him seconds later. —Perhaps… —softly, his fingers touched his abdomen, as if he were tracing the very veins that flowed beneath him. His eyes went up, looking at his seemingly confused ones. —Like me…?

Time stopped, both of their eyes gazing into one another. It felt like hours.

Until that stopped too.

—Uhmm… —Ashed finally replied, his voice sounding uncomfortable. —I… don’t. …sorry. —His voice was softer than before, he seemed even guilty saying those words.

He stopped dead in his tracks, hands trailing down further away. He no longer caressed him, his fingertips barely touching him now, retracted.

—Then… why are you doing this? —he asked, eyes looking down. The words came out before he could even think about asking them. —I don’t understand…

All his logic went down the drain with that confession. Why would he do that then? That look he saw in his eyes before, the words he said just a few minutes ago.  
Nothing made sense anymore.

Tears fell from his eyes as he recalled the people he’d seen before, the affection and _love_ they shared, making them whole.

And here he was, realizing once again that he could never, _ever_ , have something like-…

Suddenly, with a little jump he went running away and left the room, diving into the empty, dark hallway.  
He ran swiftly, quick, trying his best to go unnoticed until he reached a now vacant room.

This used to be Ashe’s room, wasn’t it?

It was completely empty besides the mattress that remained there. He sat on top of it and reached for his phone, the one he put in one of the pajama’s pocket before and stared into the black screen.

There was someone who once showed something akin to love to him. Unstoppable, shameless flirting but interest in him nonetheless.

With doubt still clouding his thoughts he scanned through the contacts, fingers sliding until he found it. The contact saved as ‘Lucio’ which he got from one of his friends before.  
Knowing very well it was way too late, he muttered a small ‘sorry’ before dialing.

—…oh, hello! —he quickly said when he heard Lucio’s voice from the small speaker. —I didn’t mean to call you so late, it’s just.. —How would he explain this to him..? —Do you… —a small sigh. —Do you still keep ‘Crowley’ with you?

.

.

As soon as he heard a yes from the older male he went running straight to his house, using water from his reservoirs to help the descent into the city. Then, he spent the next few minutes dashing around, looking for the place.

—Haah… sorry it’s really late but… I really needed to come. —he bowed before Lucio, excusing himself profusely for interrupting at such an hour, despite it actually not disturbing his sleep. —I need to see him, there’s something I have to ask him!

But his luck wasn’t helping. For the better of everyone, Lucio had told him he couldn’t take the demon out of the bottle.  
He waited, hoping he would change his mind, but when that reply didn’t come, he complied.

Thanking him again, he took the bottle into an empty room, leaving it before himself.

Now that he.. _it_ was before his eyes, he couldn’t really bring himself to even say something. Not a sound, no nothing.  
In reality he was afraid. Even if the demon lied, and he was almost certain he would, he didn’t feel ready for an answer.  
 _Would he ever be?_

—Crowley-san… —It was even lower than a whisper. His voice meant to reach only the demon inside the crystal. He waited for something, a sign from him. But it didn’t come.  
—Please, please… Are you listening?

No reply. He sighed deeply, sitting on the floor while his tears began to flood his eyes once more. Why did he think this was a good idea? He was just making a fool of himself.  
He had been the first to ever show what he thought was love to him… And he foolishly wanted to believe him.  
Not because he wanted something, he knew it would be impossible.  
He just wanted to feel normal. Like everybody else, he wanted to be happy and feel loved.

His silent tears turned into sobs, and soon his sobs turned into crying.

He had turned himself into a mere body, his mind chastising his decisions and his heart weeping in loneliness.

He had never felt so alone.

 _No kissing,_ they said, but he longed to be kissed.  
 _No caressing,_ they seemed to follow, but he had to turn away from him, since the urge of touching him, being touched was.. too much.  
 _No personal or emotional topics._ Only how good it felt when he would thrust deeply inside of him. No mentioning of how sweet he thought it’d be to… make _love._  
 _Nothing ‘soft’_ because at the end of the day, they were fuckbuddies. That was as much as he’d get from him or… probably from anyone else.  
It seemed so easy for everyone, so unbelievably easy to, without pressure, fall in love.

They didn’t need to talk about it, or make any kind of rules. They would hold hands and let themselves _feel._

They would let themselves love one another, a feeling he had yet to experience for himself.

—I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… —he could only apologize when leaving the house. In the end he didn’t have the courage to face the truth.

_Crowley-san, did you truly love me?_

He felt stupid for even wanting to ask it. Crowley was a demon. A lying, evil, dangerous demon.  
And as such, whether what he felt for him was real or just plain lust… didn’t matter.

On his way back home, walking as slow as he could, he felt the tears like ice against his cheeks. It was windy and cold… he’d probably catch a cold.

 _If he did, would someday someone be there to nurse him?_ Would he ever receive a soft kiss on the lips and be told that ‘everything would be okay’? Would he be able to laugh as in the end, both of them end up sick?

God… _he felt lonely,_ he thought as he made it back and walked through the hallway once again.

— _Nee…_ —he softly spoke, caressing his own fingers as he walked back to his room. —I know you have to be there… somewhere. —his fingertips slowly grazed his pinky. —Please, don’t take too long… —in front of the door, his hand went to grab the knob but, before he turned it, he thought…

_I wanna be with you._

Now, would his message ever be received by someone? Was someone really there for him, waiting until the fateful day they’d meet?  
He… could only hope.

.

.


End file.
